Haven't been here in while...
Blame it on the business of the grad school life, creative energy depletion, laziness,etc.
Today was the last official day of classes of my third year in grad school, and thus marks the beginning of the end for my time here in...the southeast :)
You heard it right folks, this insurmountable mountain, the Sisyphean boulder, the bloodthirsty monster that is grad school has an end in sight, and boy is it getting ever closer. I am nearing the end of an era in my life, things that I thought I would never survive I have survived (thus far), days where I felt like I just could not go on are behind me (well for now!), the dread of the hamster wheel is to some degree lessened, and the object of my desire within arm's reach.
It is incredible that this time 3 years ago I had just accepted my offer at my current institution, and felt as though I was getting ready to walk to the gallows (cue Iron Maiden "Hallowed Be Thy Name"), now this time next year I will be getting ready to walk into my future...a future I have worked so hard for, and sacrificed so much to attain.
What a difference 3 years makes.
Socratic Buddha on shifting perspective, the sands of time, and Iron Maiden...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, October 29, 2010
Outside this window...
Life goes on outside this window
The wheels go ‘round
But they don’t make a sound
That resounds and reaches the other side of the window.
Life goes on across the sea
They walk and talk and wonder what if
What if the girl where still here
Life goes on outside the city walls
That protect and defend
They stand tall and strong
The life inside the city
Walls
Life goes on outside this tenement
With its tenants forgotten in abysmal silence
Life forgotten
Frozen in time
They do not go on but
Life goes on outside this tenement
Life goes on outside this window
Look down, but they don’t look up
At who
Who are you?
Who is this inside the walls protected by this transparent
Window?
Life does go on my friend
A fool would think otherwise.
Life goes on outside this window.
Here’s to you, one more time,
And for the last
Life goes on outside this window.
Socratic Buddha, on recovering old creative writing class pieces.
The wheels go ‘round
But they don’t make a sound
That resounds and reaches the other side of the window.
Life goes on across the sea
They walk and talk and wonder what if
What if the girl where still here
Life goes on outside the city walls
That protect and defend
They stand tall and strong
The life inside the city
Walls
Life goes on outside this tenement
With its tenants forgotten in abysmal silence
Life forgotten
Frozen in time
They do not go on but
Life goes on outside this tenement
Life goes on outside this window
Look down, but they don’t look up
At who
Who are you?
Who is this inside the walls protected by this transparent
Window?
Life does go on my friend
A fool would think otherwise.
Life goes on outside this window.
Here’s to you, one more time,
And for the last
Life goes on outside this window.
Socratic Buddha, on recovering old creative writing class pieces.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Carl Solomon...I am with you in Rockland where you accuse your doctors of insanity...
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Sunday, September 12, 2010
"Passion points toward purpose"-A.C. Ping
Something is happening
Going Abump in
The night I can't
Quite put my finger on it but there
Is a change in the tides
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing unpredictability
Going Abump in
The night I can't
Quite put my finger on it but there
Is a change in the tides
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing unpredictability
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Self Care Manifesto...
Looking back on my last semester I can only think one thing...
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I SURVIVE THAT?!?!?!
I was close to dropping out....
THIS CLOSE ::pinches thumb and index fingers reeeealllly close together::
So close in fact that I found this:
http://ask.metafilter.com/114104/Life-after-dropping-out-of-grad-school
Yup that close. I finally broke down and shared my thoughts with my mom, the person who always tells me "Failure is NOT an option"...she was understanding and said if my mental health was in jeopardy I should jump on the next flight home and high tail it out of the south.
I shared it with my close friend, and ex-coworker, who told me she would be extremely disappointed in me if I gave up on something that I had worked so hard to get.
My other ex-coworker...same
Ex-boss...same
Former adviser... the person who I owed a manuscript to, told me it was going to be ok, worked on the paper, sent me the last version and just asked me to take a look at it and approve changes. She also had an ex-lab member, and very close friend check up on me.
I was at a crux, beaten down, and having extreme anxiety--near full blown panic attack every hour or so. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I cried at one point for 4 days straight (ok maybe three, I'm exaggerating). And then it hit me... "what the hell am I doing to myself?" There I was near the end of the semester and I was ready to give it all up. One morning I woke up and said:
"Now (blank) get yourself together study for those finals and get done with this semester. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you're smart and you'll get through this, so what if you don't get an A...B's are just as good. You know you will never be able to live with yourself if you give all this up. Do you know how many people would give their right eye to be where you are?"
And that my friends was the turning point for me. I decided to take control and take care of me. I tied up some loose ends, rid myself of some toxic energy that was keeping me from moving forward, picked myself up, dusted my shoulders off and then looked straight ahead and said:
"Fuck you grad school, you're not gonna stop me...I'm a fucking WARRIOR!"
After May 15th, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, although I haven't had more than a 1 week break the summer has been relatively lighter. I am still taking classes and seeing clients, but I am in such a different place now because I have decided to re-engage in SELF-CARE! Remember that elusive concept? That thing that our graduate advisers always tell us to do, right before they bombard us with 60 hours worth of work. Well guess what, they are right we need it to be effective in our work with clients, them, and classes. They need to be reminded of this: HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A GRAD STUDENT?!?!?!
Here's my self care manifesto:
GRAD SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND...IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH EVERY LIVING SECOND, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CHEST!
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY WORK
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREATH
I SAY NO TO YOUR UNREALISTIC DEMANDS
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING THE WEEKEND
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING MY VACATION
I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING AND TAKING CARE OF ME!
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND ENJOY MY TIME HERE
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT I CAN SECURE A GOOD INTERSHIP!
I WILL SAY NO!
I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT!
So rise up brothers and sisters... set boundaries, stick to them, and reclaim self-care!
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing self-care and your sanity.
P.s. My yoga practice today was dedicated to my fellow grad-school warriors!
Gratitude and big-ups to my new kick ass full-time GA-ship boss who still remembers what it is like to be at the bottom of the academic food chain.
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I SURVIVE THAT?!?!?!
I was close to dropping out....
THIS CLOSE ::pinches thumb and index fingers reeeealllly close together::
So close in fact that I found this:
http://ask.metafilter.com/114104/Life-after-dropping-out-of-grad-school
Yup that close. I finally broke down and shared my thoughts with my mom, the person who always tells me "Failure is NOT an option"...she was understanding and said if my mental health was in jeopardy I should jump on the next flight home and high tail it out of the south.
I shared it with my close friend, and ex-coworker, who told me she would be extremely disappointed in me if I gave up on something that I had worked so hard to get.
My other ex-coworker...same
Ex-boss...same
Former adviser... the person who I owed a manuscript to, told me it was going to be ok, worked on the paper, sent me the last version and just asked me to take a look at it and approve changes. She also had an ex-lab member, and very close friend check up on me.
I was at a crux, beaten down, and having extreme anxiety--near full blown panic attack every hour or so. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I cried at one point for 4 days straight (ok maybe three, I'm exaggerating). And then it hit me... "what the hell am I doing to myself?" There I was near the end of the semester and I was ready to give it all up. One morning I woke up and said:
"Now (blank) get yourself together study for those finals and get done with this semester. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you're smart and you'll get through this, so what if you don't get an A...B's are just as good. You know you will never be able to live with yourself if you give all this up. Do you know how many people would give their right eye to be where you are?"
And that my friends was the turning point for me. I decided to take control and take care of me. I tied up some loose ends, rid myself of some toxic energy that was keeping me from moving forward, picked myself up, dusted my shoulders off and then looked straight ahead and said:
"Fuck you grad school, you're not gonna stop me...I'm a fucking WARRIOR!"
After May 15th, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, although I haven't had more than a 1 week break the summer has been relatively lighter. I am still taking classes and seeing clients, but I am in such a different place now because I have decided to re-engage in SELF-CARE! Remember that elusive concept? That thing that our graduate advisers always tell us to do, right before they bombard us with 60 hours worth of work. Well guess what, they are right we need it to be effective in our work with clients, them, and classes. They need to be reminded of this: HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A GRAD STUDENT?!?!?!
Here's my self care manifesto:
GRAD SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND...IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH EVERY LIVING SECOND, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CHEST!
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY WORK
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREATH
I SAY NO TO YOUR UNREALISTIC DEMANDS
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING THE WEEKEND
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING MY VACATION
I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING AND TAKING CARE OF ME!
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND ENJOY MY TIME HERE
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT I CAN SECURE A GOOD INTERSHIP!
I WILL SAY NO!
I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT!
So rise up brothers and sisters... set boundaries, stick to them, and reclaim self-care!
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing self-care and your sanity.
P.s. My yoga practice today was dedicated to my fellow grad-school warriors!
Gratitude and big-ups to my new kick ass full-time GA-ship boss who still remembers what it is like to be at the bottom of the academic food chain.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Photographic Memory...
The saddest picture you will ever see.
It represents
the shadow
of what we once
were.
Traces will
always remain
captured in these images.
Where time
stands still
for us.
A fleeting moment
never to happen
again
immortalized in a frame.
A
frozen
memory
in time
cannot be touched
but held forever.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing memories.
It represents
the shadow
of what we once
were.
Traces will
always remain
captured in these images.
Where time
stands still
for us.
A fleeting moment
never to happen
again
immortalized in a frame.
A
frozen
memory
in time
cannot be touched
but held forever.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing memories.
The Invitation...
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing late Friday nights.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing late Friday nights.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994
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