Something is happening
Going Abump in
The night I can't
Quite put my finger on it but there
Is a change in the tides
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing unpredictability
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Self Care Manifesto...
Looking back on my last semester I can only think one thing...
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I SURVIVE THAT?!?!?!
I was close to dropping out....
THIS CLOSE ::pinches thumb and index fingers reeeealllly close together::
So close in fact that I found this:
http://ask.metafilter.com/114104/Life-after-dropping-out-of-grad-school
Yup that close. I finally broke down and shared my thoughts with my mom, the person who always tells me "Failure is NOT an option"...she was understanding and said if my mental health was in jeopardy I should jump on the next flight home and high tail it out of the south.
I shared it with my close friend, and ex-coworker, who told me she would be extremely disappointed in me if I gave up on something that I had worked so hard to get.
My other ex-coworker...same
Ex-boss...same
Former adviser... the person who I owed a manuscript to, told me it was going to be ok, worked on the paper, sent me the last version and just asked me to take a look at it and approve changes. She also had an ex-lab member, and very close friend check up on me.
I was at a crux, beaten down, and having extreme anxiety--near full blown panic attack every hour or so. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I cried at one point for 4 days straight (ok maybe three, I'm exaggerating). And then it hit me... "what the hell am I doing to myself?" There I was near the end of the semester and I was ready to give it all up. One morning I woke up and said:
"Now (blank) get yourself together study for those finals and get done with this semester. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you're smart and you'll get through this, so what if you don't get an A...B's are just as good. You know you will never be able to live with yourself if you give all this up. Do you know how many people would give their right eye to be where you are?"
And that my friends was the turning point for me. I decided to take control and take care of me. I tied up some loose ends, rid myself of some toxic energy that was keeping me from moving forward, picked myself up, dusted my shoulders off and then looked straight ahead and said:
"Fuck you grad school, you're not gonna stop me...I'm a fucking WARRIOR!"
After May 15th, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, although I haven't had more than a 1 week break the summer has been relatively lighter. I am still taking classes and seeing clients, but I am in such a different place now because I have decided to re-engage in SELF-CARE! Remember that elusive concept? That thing that our graduate advisers always tell us to do, right before they bombard us with 60 hours worth of work. Well guess what, they are right we need it to be effective in our work with clients, them, and classes. They need to be reminded of this: HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A GRAD STUDENT?!?!?!
Here's my self care manifesto:
GRAD SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND...IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH EVERY LIVING SECOND, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CHEST!
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY WORK
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREATH
I SAY NO TO YOUR UNREALISTIC DEMANDS
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING THE WEEKEND
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING MY VACATION
I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING AND TAKING CARE OF ME!
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND ENJOY MY TIME HERE
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT I CAN SECURE A GOOD INTERSHIP!
I WILL SAY NO!
I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT!
So rise up brothers and sisters... set boundaries, stick to them, and reclaim self-care!
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing self-care and your sanity.
P.s. My yoga practice today was dedicated to my fellow grad-school warriors!
Gratitude and big-ups to my new kick ass full-time GA-ship boss who still remembers what it is like to be at the bottom of the academic food chain.
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I SURVIVE THAT?!?!?!
I was close to dropping out....
THIS CLOSE ::pinches thumb and index fingers reeeealllly close together::
So close in fact that I found this:
http://ask.metafilter.com/114104/Life-after-dropping-out-of-grad-school
Yup that close. I finally broke down and shared my thoughts with my mom, the person who always tells me "Failure is NOT an option"...she was understanding and said if my mental health was in jeopardy I should jump on the next flight home and high tail it out of the south.
I shared it with my close friend, and ex-coworker, who told me she would be extremely disappointed in me if I gave up on something that I had worked so hard to get.
My other ex-coworker...same
Ex-boss...same
Former adviser... the person who I owed a manuscript to, told me it was going to be ok, worked on the paper, sent me the last version and just asked me to take a look at it and approve changes. She also had an ex-lab member, and very close friend check up on me.
I was at a crux, beaten down, and having extreme anxiety--near full blown panic attack every hour or so. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I cried at one point for 4 days straight (ok maybe three, I'm exaggerating). And then it hit me... "what the hell am I doing to myself?" There I was near the end of the semester and I was ready to give it all up. One morning I woke up and said:
"Now (blank) get yourself together study for those finals and get done with this semester. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you're smart and you'll get through this, so what if you don't get an A...B's are just as good. You know you will never be able to live with yourself if you give all this up. Do you know how many people would give their right eye to be where you are?"
And that my friends was the turning point for me. I decided to take control and take care of me. I tied up some loose ends, rid myself of some toxic energy that was keeping me from moving forward, picked myself up, dusted my shoulders off and then looked straight ahead and said:
"Fuck you grad school, you're not gonna stop me...I'm a fucking WARRIOR!"
After May 15th, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, although I haven't had more than a 1 week break the summer has been relatively lighter. I am still taking classes and seeing clients, but I am in such a different place now because I have decided to re-engage in SELF-CARE! Remember that elusive concept? That thing that our graduate advisers always tell us to do, right before they bombard us with 60 hours worth of work. Well guess what, they are right we need it to be effective in our work with clients, them, and classes. They need to be reminded of this: HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A GRAD STUDENT?!?!?!
Here's my self care manifesto:
GRAD SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND...IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH EVERY LIVING SECOND, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CHEST!
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY WORK
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREATH
I SAY NO TO YOUR UNREALISTIC DEMANDS
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING THE WEEKEND
I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING MY VACATION
I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING AND TAKING CARE OF ME!
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND ENJOY MY TIME HERE
I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT I CAN SECURE A GOOD INTERSHIP!
I WILL SAY NO!
I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT!
So rise up brothers and sisters... set boundaries, stick to them, and reclaim self-care!
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing self-care and your sanity.
P.s. My yoga practice today was dedicated to my fellow grad-school warriors!
Gratitude and big-ups to my new kick ass full-time GA-ship boss who still remembers what it is like to be at the bottom of the academic food chain.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Photographic Memory...
The saddest picture you will ever see.
It represents
the shadow
of what we once
were.
Traces will
always remain
captured in these images.
Where time
stands still
for us.
A fleeting moment
never to happen
again
immortalized in a frame.
A
frozen
memory
in time
cannot be touched
but held forever.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing memories.
It represents
the shadow
of what we once
were.
Traces will
always remain
captured in these images.
Where time
stands still
for us.
A fleeting moment
never to happen
again
immortalized in a frame.
A
frozen
memory
in time
cannot be touched
but held forever.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing memories.
The Invitation...
The Invitation
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing late Friday nights.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even if its not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from The presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the sliver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn't interest me who you are and how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing late Friday nights.
Oriah Mountain Dreamer, Indian Elder May 1994
The Haunted
It haunts me
your breath
your smile
Can't believe you're gone
But time
it
goes
on.
Cause I'm huanted
with every breath you take
and every
step you take
you're with me still.
I feel you
runnin'
round these here
parts
cause i can't hold this taste anymore,
understand me
more?
Please stand this fantasy
what have I done?
It's taken
me over
Do you recognize me anymore?
Do you dread this fantasy?
What have I done?
This uncertainty
has taken me over.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THIS UNCERTAINTY HAS TAKEN ME OVER!
Is it all over?
Yeah?
Has it taken me over?
~~~Thanks Portihead for the inspiration~~~
Some words by yours truly, others by Portishead.
Socratic Buddha on "Aha" moments, feeling liberated, and unearthing myspace blogs...
your breath
your smile
Can't believe you're gone
But time
it
goes
on.
Cause I'm huanted
with every breath you take
and every
step you take
you're with me still.
I feel you
runnin'
round these here
parts
cause i can't hold this taste anymore,
understand me
more?
Please stand this fantasy
what have I done?
It's taken
me over
Do you recognize me anymore?
Do you dread this fantasy?
What have I done?
This uncertainty
has taken me over.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
THIS UNCERTAINTY HAS TAKEN ME OVER!
Is it all over?
Yeah?
Has it taken me over?
~~~Thanks Portihead for the inspiration~~~
Some words by yours truly, others by Portishead.
Socratic Buddha on "Aha" moments, feeling liberated, and unearthing myspace blogs...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Support our brothers and sisters in P.R.
Dear all, I have sent the letter below to the New York Times, I urge you to contact appropriate news outlets that you feel are not giving sufficient attention to this strike.
To: nytnews@nytimes.com
Hello,
I am writing to inquire whether your newspaper has any plans to cover the historic strike that has been taking place for several weeks at the University of Puerto Rico.
Students have been occupying the university for weeks, and have shut down the entire university system for 22 days now in order to protest recently proposed budget cuts (which would increase tuition costs and eliminate much merit based aid and athletic fellowships etc), in addition to the general corruption and mismanagement of the institution.
The strike speaks directly to the issues being faced by universities across the United States in the face of reduced government funding and the move towards greater privatization of public education.
Today is proving to be particularly important, as students voted yesterday to continue the strike indefinitely and the university administration is threatening to cut off water and electricity in the campus as a way of smoking them out. They have also increased police presence and there have been incidents of police brutality against parents trying to bring food and water to their children on strike.
These events are crucially important not only to the residents of Puerto Rico, but to the wider landscape of higher education in the US as they bring into stark relief the obstacles that university faculty and students face in protesting recent changes at their institutions (most notably in California), as well as the increasing turn in academia towards antidemocratic governance and the denial of public education to its citizens.
I feel like if these events were happening within the continental US they would have received substantial news coverage and I do not understand why there has been no mention of this in the New York Times, which is such an important source of news for the broad US public, including its many Puerto Rican readers.
I urge you to please cover this important current event, and extend myself to you as a resource (I am a political anthropologist and a Caribbean specialist). I would be happy to collaborate in any way and to help you connect to appropriate informants in Puerto Rico.
Thank you, I look forward to your timely response.
Sincerely,
Yarimar Bonilla
Socratic Buddha on reading others deconstucting student protests and wondering why there has not been more coverage of these events.
To: nytnews@nytimes.com
Hello,
I am writing to inquire whether your newspaper has any plans to cover the historic strike that has been taking place for several weeks at the University of Puerto Rico.
Students have been occupying the university for weeks, and have shut down the entire university system for 22 days now in order to protest recently proposed budget cuts (which would increase tuition costs and eliminate much merit based aid and athletic fellowships etc), in addition to the general corruption and mismanagement of the institution.
The strike speaks directly to the issues being faced by universities across the United States in the face of reduced government funding and the move towards greater privatization of public education.
Today is proving to be particularly important, as students voted yesterday to continue the strike indefinitely and the university administration is threatening to cut off water and electricity in the campus as a way of smoking them out. They have also increased police presence and there have been incidents of police brutality against parents trying to bring food and water to their children on strike.
These events are crucially important not only to the residents of Puerto Rico, but to the wider landscape of higher education in the US as they bring into stark relief the obstacles that university faculty and students face in protesting recent changes at their institutions (most notably in California), as well as the increasing turn in academia towards antidemocratic governance and the denial of public education to its citizens.
I feel like if these events were happening within the continental US they would have received substantial news coverage and I do not understand why there has been no mention of this in the New York Times, which is such an important source of news for the broad US public, including its many Puerto Rican readers.
I urge you to please cover this important current event, and extend myself to you as a resource (I am a political anthropologist and a Caribbean specialist). I would be happy to collaborate in any way and to help you connect to appropriate informants in Puerto Rico.
Thank you, I look forward to your timely response.
Sincerely,
Yarimar Bonilla
Socratic Buddha on reading others deconstucting student protests and wondering why there has not been more coverage of these events.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Layers of an onion, or spikes of an artichoke.
I finally have found some time to sift through the articles that have piled up over the semester.
One thing about me-->Sometimes I consider myself an atheist, other times an agnostic, most times however I reject labels and just am who I am. This being said, I have to say that coming across this article today was meant to happen--serendipity or superstition you choose.
Reference:
Hoskins, M, & Loseho, J. (1996). Changing Metaphors of the Self: Implications for counseling. Journal of Counseling and Development, 74(3), 243-252.
"...it would embarrass me to be told that more than a single self is a kind of disease. The great difference, which keeps me feeling normal, is that mine (ours) has turned up one after the other, on an orderly schedule...it is the simultaneity of their appearance that is the real problem and I should think psychiatry would do better by simply pursuading them to queue up and wait thier turn, as happens in the 'normal' rest of us" (p. 244).
Quotes around "normal" added by yours truly.
"So the narrative psychologist believes that scientific theories present refined stories (or rich metaphors) meant to depict complex causal processes in the world. And when human thought turns to such issues of 'What caused something to occur', many would argue compellingly that scientific stories represent the best analysis available. But when our thinking is drawn to a consideration of issues of meanings in our lives (For example, What do I wish to achieve in my life? What would be the moral or ethical action in a particular circumstance? What is the good life?), scientific stories might lack the rich resources of other non-scientific perspectives like philosophy, literature, clinical wisdom, and religion." (p. 248).
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing the "Self" and "Science".
One thing about me-->Sometimes I consider myself an atheist, other times an agnostic, most times however I reject labels and just am who I am. This being said, I have to say that coming across this article today was meant to happen--serendipity or superstition you choose.
Reference:
Hoskins, M, & Loseho, J. (1996). Changing Metaphors of the Self: Implications for counseling. Journal of Counseling and Development, 74(3), 243-252.
"...it would embarrass me to be told that more than a single self is a kind of disease. The great difference, which keeps me feeling normal, is that mine (ours) has turned up one after the other, on an orderly schedule...it is the simultaneity of their appearance that is the real problem and I should think psychiatry would do better by simply pursuading them to queue up and wait thier turn, as happens in the 'normal' rest of us" (p. 244).
Quotes around "normal" added by yours truly.
"So the narrative psychologist believes that scientific theories present refined stories (or rich metaphors) meant to depict complex causal processes in the world. And when human thought turns to such issues of 'What caused something to occur', many would argue compellingly that scientific stories represent the best analysis available. But when our thinking is drawn to a consideration of issues of meanings in our lives (For example, What do I wish to achieve in my life? What would be the moral or ethical action in a particular circumstance? What is the good life?), scientific stories might lack the rich resources of other non-scientific perspectives like philosophy, literature, clinical wisdom, and religion." (p. 248).
Socratic Buddha on deconstructing the "Self" and "Science".
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