Self Care Manifesto...

Looking back on my last semester I can only think one thing...

HOW IN THE WORLD DID I SURVIVE THAT?!?!?!

I was close to dropping out....

THIS CLOSE ::pinches thumb and index fingers reeeealllly close together::

So close in fact that I found this:

http://ask.metafilter.com/114104/Life-after-dropping-out-of-grad-school

Yup that close. I finally broke down and shared my thoughts with my mom, the person who always tells me "Failure is NOT an option"...she was understanding and said if my mental health was in jeopardy I should jump on the next flight home and high tail it out of the south.

I shared it with my close friend, and ex-coworker, who told me she would be extremely disappointed in me if I gave up on something that I had worked so hard to get.

My other ex-coworker...same

Ex-boss...same

Former adviser... the person who I owed a manuscript to, told me it was going to be ok, worked on the paper, sent me the last version and just asked me to take a look at it and approve changes. She also had an ex-lab member, and very close friend check up on me.

I was at a crux, beaten down, and having extreme anxiety--near full blown panic attack every hour or so. I couldn't sleep, eat, think. I was a walking zombie, barely functioning. I cried at one point for 4 days straight (ok maybe three, I'm exaggerating). And then it hit me... "what the hell am I doing to myself?" There I was near the end of the semester and I was ready to give it all up. One morning I woke up and said:

"Now (blank) get yourself together study for those finals and get done with this semester. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, you're smart and you'll get through this, so what if you don't get an A...B's are just as good. You know you will never be able to live with yourself if you give all this up. Do you know how many people would give their right eye to be where you are?"

And that my friends was the turning point for me. I decided to take control and take care of me. I tied up some loose ends, rid myself of some toxic energy that was keeping me from moving forward, picked myself up, dusted my shoulders off and then looked straight ahead and said:

"Fuck you grad school, you're not gonna stop me...I'm a fucking WARRIOR!"

After May 15th, a weight was lifted off my shoulders, although I haven't had more than a 1 week break the summer has been relatively lighter. I am still taking classes and seeing clients, but I am in such a different place now because I have decided to re-engage in SELF-CARE! Remember that elusive concept? That thing that our graduate advisers always tell us to do, right before they bombard us with 60 hours worth of work. Well guess what, they are right we need it to be effective in our work with clients, them, and classes. They need to be reminded of this: HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A GRAD STUDENT?!?!?!

Here's my self care manifesto:

GRAD SCHOOL IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND...IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH EVERY LIVING SECOND, IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS GOING TO POP OUT OF MY CHEST!

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY MY WORK

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO BREATH

I SAY NO TO YOUR UNREALISTIC DEMANDS

I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING THE WEEKEND

I SAY NO TO YOUR EMAILS DURING MY VACATION

I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING AND TAKING CARE OF ME!

I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND ENJOY MY TIME HERE

I WILL TAKE MATTERS INTO MY OWN HANDS AND LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT I CAN SECURE A GOOD INTERSHIP!


I WILL SAY NO!

I WILL TAKE CARE OF MY MIND, BODY, AND SPIRIT!


So rise up brothers and sisters... set boundaries, stick to them, and reclaim self-care!

Socratic Buddha on deconstructing self-care and your sanity.

P.s. My yoga practice today was dedicated to my fellow grad-school warriors!

Gratitude and big-ups to my new kick ass full-time GA-ship boss who still remembers what it is like to be at the bottom of the academic food chain.